Hope?! (When things feel hopeless...)

My heart is heavy.

You know that feeling you get when your stomach feels weird--you aren't nauseated, but you feel, kind of nervious?
Your heartbeat is a little irregular.
You don't know whether or not to smile, cry, shut up, or say something clever, or even better--something Christian.

This is how I feel when my heart is heavy.
When I am faced with something uneasy.
When my friends come to me with problems, questions, issues, etc.
When people tell me their ________ just died.
When people complain about something significant in their life.

I have NO idea what to say.
I just feel... this... heaviness and nervousness.
If I don't say the ''right thing'' then I miss this opportunity.
I feel like I miss the opportunity to say, "God is good."

(I miss the opportunity because tension makes me feel uneasy...)
Doesn't that just sound silly!?


So.
Here it goes.
For everytime that I've sat silent because I felt uncomfortable for saying what I wanted to, what I should have... here it is.


GOD IS GOOD.
We know that God loves us, so much that He sends His Son to die on the Cross for us.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT!? Do you believe that God loves us THAT much?
How does that make you feel?

The fact that our God is a GOOD God puts life's stormiest nights in perspective. He's a master planner and designer. I won't ever doubt God's planning, His judgement, and His timing. Why?? Because He's got my back. I heard a student say today, "I got your back like a chiropractor." Haha!!


Yes. Life may feel like you are treading water in the middle of nowhere right now. But--it gets better. It always does. Because of the FACT that God is good and He loves you. Do you believe that? How does that make you feel?

A lot of the time, our culture is telling us to focus on Number One--you. How does that make you feel? So what are you going to do about it? (Instead of saying, "What is real? What is fact?" then... how does that make you feel?


Friends.
I spent an entire year in 'hiding,' or rather, 'hermit mode.'
I didn't want to open up to anyone. I didn't trust anyone. I was very closed-lipped about a lot of things because it was how I reacted to the unknown, the uncertain.... my own deep-seated insecurities.

And yes--I am fine now.
But if I could do it over again--or rather, if I ever walk through a valley that deep again, trust me, I would do things differently this time around.

Find a mentor to confide in. Someone who isn't there to encourage your neurotic notions and emotions. Someone who isn't afraid to KEEP IT REAL (KIR). Someone who is a sound Christian and will give you advice that is grounded and rooted in God's word. Someone trustworthy. Someone who isn't a malicious gossip (oooh, hot topic, I will get to that in another post). Someone who won't judge. Oh! Here's a good one: Someone who is another woman!! Don't be shady, just saying.

(However, I have had meetings with Chaplains. I would try seeking counsel as well, people often use counseling as a last resort, but--pre-emptive attacks are way cooler and you keep the cards in your hand, you know?) I would always choose a Chaplain over a psychologist, because I have sat in psychologists' offices and thought, "You are spinning some crazy advice right now. I'm gonna pray for you." HAHA!)

I am the first say say... I need to follow my own advice. Yes, it's hard. It's intimidating. But it will help.




Where the heck was I going with all this?

Oh. That's right.

Philippians 4:4-9, my mantra for life. Read each verse and really meditate on what it means and how you are going to apply it!


4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

The word that wives hate to hear

1 Peter 3:1-7

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

There it is. The word that wives hate to hear: submit. Trust me when I say this--I am no expert at being a wife. Haha. I think I do well... but I am waiting to be called a "virtuous wife."

I feel like this conversation has come up time and time again & I've heard a lot of the same thing, "If my husband loved me the way Christ loves the Church, it would be easier to submit to him." When we read Ephesians 5, it isn't a condition. "Wives be subject to your own husbands..." (not) "...if he loves you as Christ loves the church." It just is. We are called to do so. Commanded to do so.

There are times when I totally fail at the whole listening thing. I blow off requests DJ makes. I weigh those requests... what is acceptable to me? What would I rather do? What's easiest to swallow? I make a lot of excuses for my I decide to follow him one day and not another.

Then I had this thought... if I want DJ to be the head of this household. If I want him to lead me. If I want him to reflect the way Jesus loves the Church, then I have to let him. In the requests that seem petty, small, unimportant... if I can't allow him to lead me in those requests, how can I expect him to lead me in the bigger picture? Not because he isn't capable, but because I don't let him?


I want to be led.
I want to completely trust my husband.
I want him to speak for me.
(Because... let's face it ladies, when DJ and I stand before Jesus, he will give an account for me. He is responsible for me. And that. Feels. Like. Freedom-but more on that in a later post.)

&& How can I make such bold statements when I fail to want the small things? I want my husband to protect me. I want him to worry about me. I want him to cherish me. && When he does those things (in whatever ways he does), I should simply... rejoice.

Philippians 4:4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Father God help me to be the woman You have always intended me to be. Continue to seek after me, because I know your commands, I know your promises. Help me to love like You do, see the way You see, and serve the way Your Son served. Thank you for your forgiveness, compassion, and example. Bless this marriage. Give strength to the women who struggle to surrender it all to You and trust. In your Son's name I pray. Amen.

REEL TALK: Eat Pray Love

(First off, I wonder if anyone's TM'ed that, "Reel Talk" I think that is pretty freakin' clever.)

So I caught 2/3 of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I feel like the movie's been on the tips of everyone's tongue lately. I was intrigued by it a few years ago when I think Oprah made a big deal about the book, and you know me-- I never care what Oprah has to say. Haha! So... I never read the book. Intrigued by its title though, but never spent the money on it.

But today, as I had nothing to do today in Sigonella, I went to the other post and got to watch Eat, Pray, Love for a mere $3.

This isn't a movie review, because I'm just me. What do you care what I thought about the movie? Haha, these are simply my thoughts. && I have to be honest, I had preconcieved notions before ever stepping in the theater. The only reason I went to go watch it was to make sure I was right. Haha!!

So, Ms. Elizabeth Gilbert. No offense, I couldn't stand her. Wait, I correct myself: I didn't understand her. Let me tell you why Oprah loved the book, and why so many people read it. This is what that book tells you about American society and culture: We are a country, a people who wants more. Never satisfied. Always searching. Constantly let down by our expectations. This is what America does to people.


EAT | FULLFILLMENT
I don't know why but the scene in which Gilbert is talking to her Publisher about why she needs to take a year off, why she needs to get away sticks in my mind. She talked about how her appitite for life, her passion everything inside her felt empty, there was nothing there.

It made me sad.
&& A little mad.

It made me sad because to feel empty like that sounds scary. It isn't truly something that I can relate to. I know in my senior year of high school I was searching for something, a "Why? What for?" And I was introduced to the idea that I needed Jesus to live the life I am supposed to. It was an interesting new concept, I took it and ran with it... and man do I have stories to tell.

&& It made me mad because in the divorce proceedings, her husband asked her, "I know you want to find yourself, but why not find yourself in our marriage?" My heart broke for him. And I was angry with her because she didn't really answer.

(Ugh, if this movie's latent cause is an influx in divorces, I am going to be so pissed.)

Fullfillment doesn't come from anything other than GOD: the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. The voids we feel are the gaps in our relationship, or lack thereof, with God.


PRAY | FAITH
1) God doesn't like divorce. (Just saying. That was the one scene I saw her pray to God and then she gets up in the same scene and divorces her husband.)

2) Crying out to God in tears--great start. But it's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kind of thing. When you ask a question, don't you expect an answer? Where do your answers come from? Self-help books? Oprah? Friends? Dr. Phil? I've been told this and have used this example a lot: our prayers to God are like voice mails. And He texts us back answers through His Word. Why ask God a question and look EVERYWHERE else for the answer!?

As I waited for an hour for a bus to arrive to take me to Dover AFB a woman walked up for a few minutes and sat down. She was very friendly. Talkative. She handed me a business card and it had a website on it, I didn't pay much attention to it because I was trying to listen to her talk. I glanced at the tagline on the card, "Buddhism for Modern Living." She talked about their goals, how invovled she and her kids are in the movement, etc. Then she explained that they were all about attaining peace. And she noticed that her bus had arrived. She asked me where I was going and I told her, "Italy. Home." She got excited, started gushing about how she's always wanted to see Italy. And she said as she got her umbrella out and up, "I'll have to chant about that one." And said goodbye and left.

I wished that I had more time to converse with her. Probe. Ask questions. I wanted to know her story and see why she felt like she needed so much peace. I digress. To me it was strange that she said, "I'm going to have to chant about that one." Sounds so strange to me. Mantras and spells are chanted to free your mind of thoughts. How does that get you to Italy? (If you know, tell me, I just want to understand.)

I have thought a lot about what my prayer means to me, and to God. How intimately I can be with God. How much truth there is in a total surrender to His plans and what He wants. In my brokenness, I know that He will provide, heal, and teach. Prayer is that relationship lived out. It is a child speaking to a father, whose intent is to teach, raise, and provide for. (I can go on for days, but I don't want to, this post is getting long enough.)

LOVE | GOD
The word "God" is used quite a few times in this movie. I kept asking myself, "Who are they talking about!?" Then I did some Google-reserach, just reading reviews of the book here and there and I came across this, "Let me explain why I use the word God, when I could easily use the words Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu or Zeus. Alternatively I could call God 'that'...God is the name that feels the most warm to me, so thats what I use (page 13)." So she answers my question in the begining of her book.

Again, the society that we live in today is looking for SOMETHING. We are a culture full of broken hearts, missing peices, etc. To me this notion is dangerous. It is dangerous because of John 14:6, when Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

So when you are talking about GOD. Make sure you know who you are talking about. When you talk about a higher being, make sure it's THE One.



All in all, the movie confirmed what I thought this book was all about. A journey of a woman who set out to "find herself." Do I think she did it? Sure. For now. But what will her next book be about? And the next?

You reach fulfillment when you acknowledge the place Jesus has in your life. And LET HIM IN. That and that alone. My MySpace (oh, such old news, right?) Bio says, "I love Jesus. Then everything else in my life falls into place." There is nothing harder to decide than to decide to follow Christ and to live the life He's called you to. (It's hard. It's challenging. BUT SO REWARDING.)

Don't settle for any alternatives, friends.

Here am I. Send me.

A few weeks ago, during a Club Talk with the kids. We were talking about Jesus as a servant. Isaiah came up and I asked the question, "What kind of faith does it take to say, "Here am I, send me?" No questions asked. Not knowing what it was. You just knew that God called you and told you to go somewhere, do something, anything...

A lot of them admitted that they didn't know that kind of faith. (They also shared that they don't volunteer without knowing what the action is in Club, because... we often make them get their faces dirty--with chocolate, whipped cream, etc. Haha!)

Do I have that kind of faith!? Or do I asked God questions first?? Do I set expectations and stipulations on God to meet before I serve? What hesitations do I have in serving God WHOLEHEARTEDLY?? Whole-bodily? With everything? In everything?

Being here at a conference with all of these missionaries has really shown me that kind of faith. It's amazing. I am in a different boat. I am working with Club Beyond, and I never had to raise support, I didn't have to prayerfully wait for the finances to get to Italy... I am just here. I just happen to be in a place where they were looking for someone to step in to help out for a short while. I am so grateful for it! I love learning.

Lord, I LOVE to learn more about your character. Thank you for showing me your truth. Revealing your face. Allowing me to hear your voice. Opening my heart to your love. Thank you for the reality of your presence.

Excuse me. Can you please STOP dissing my God?

"Can you honestly say Jesus Christ is your LORD? That you are his servant?"
--OR ARE YOU A LIAR??

I am listening to an older podcast from Cornerstone Simi Valley and Francis Chan is asking this question. THE question. And doens't it sound like one of those questions you've heard so many times?? And the answer is either: "Yeah, obviously." Or, "No, I don't believe in Jesus."

At last week's Club Beyond talk, a student was asking about respect and how hard it was to respect someone who didn't respect you, I blurted out, "Then you pray about it and Jesus will take care of it, he can change your heart." And he turned and looked at his friend, laughed and muttered, "I don't believe in Jesus." And laughed a laugh that was like, "What's he got to do with it anyway?

I was SO angry.
(Then sad.)

I am not mad when people don't acknowledge Jesus as their LORD. I am mad and offended when people think that MY LORD and MY GOD is not capable of changing such small and minute things. When people take it out of GOD's hands and into their own, and they say things like, "I have done EVERYTHING I can." It angers me to see someone who is resting in their OWN ability to change their circumstances. My question is, "WHAT HAS GOD DONE??"


If Jesus is truly my Lord, I fear nothing. I am his servant. I serve him. I am his slave. I feel like tehre are a lot of people who don't take that relationship seriously enough. LORD. MASTER. I follow him. I worship him. I serve him. He doesn't serve me. He doesn't cater to me.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

I have loved how God has broken me and built back up.I love how he has allowed me to suffer when I have. & How he has used every single thing in my life to show me a little more about who he is and how he works in our world, in my life, how he is still alive and working actively today.

I have learned and loved finding JOY in my suffering.
HOW?? Why?? Are you nuts!? Haha!

Because it is NOT about me. It is not about what I want. How I feel. When I want things to happen. It is about GOD and HIS plan, and HIS purpose, HIS will, it's HIS universe, HIS earth, and HIS story.

I am a supporting actress in a movie about Jesus.
So, in what ways can I act and live in a way that showcases the role of Jesus, my Christ, in this movie?? How do I serve my LORD? What more can I do?

If he says forgive, will I forgive?
If he says speak up, will I speak up?
When he says stand firm, will I sway?
When he says respect, will I ask, "But what if..."
When he says rejoice, will I give him a list of reasons why I can't?

Please stop dissing my God by telling me, yourself, others, that your problems are too big for God to handle. Stop dissing the God that raised Jesus from the grave. Stop dissing the God that created the universe. Stop dissing the Jesus that 'for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.' Stop dissing the Jesus that walked on water. Stop dissing my LORD. Stop dissing my GOD. Stop telling yourself that God isn't alive and working right now, today, in your life. LET HIM DO WHAT HE DOES BEST. Because you can't do anything better than he can.