Hope?! (When things feel hopeless...)

My heart is heavy.

You know that feeling you get when your stomach feels weird--you aren't nauseated, but you feel, kind of nervious?
Your heartbeat is a little irregular.
You don't know whether or not to smile, cry, shut up, or say something clever, or even better--something Christian.

This is how I feel when my heart is heavy.
When I am faced with something uneasy.
When my friends come to me with problems, questions, issues, etc.
When people tell me their ________ just died.
When people complain about something significant in their life.

I have NO idea what to say.
I just feel... this... heaviness and nervousness.
If I don't say the ''right thing'' then I miss this opportunity.
I feel like I miss the opportunity to say, "God is good."

(I miss the opportunity because tension makes me feel uneasy...)
Doesn't that just sound silly!?


So.
Here it goes.
For everytime that I've sat silent because I felt uncomfortable for saying what I wanted to, what I should have... here it is.


GOD IS GOOD.
We know that God loves us, so much that He sends His Son to die on the Cross for us.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT!? Do you believe that God loves us THAT much?
How does that make you feel?

The fact that our God is a GOOD God puts life's stormiest nights in perspective. He's a master planner and designer. I won't ever doubt God's planning, His judgement, and His timing. Why?? Because He's got my back. I heard a student say today, "I got your back like a chiropractor." Haha!!


Yes. Life may feel like you are treading water in the middle of nowhere right now. But--it gets better. It always does. Because of the FACT that God is good and He loves you. Do you believe that? How does that make you feel?

A lot of the time, our culture is telling us to focus on Number One--you. How does that make you feel? So what are you going to do about it? (Instead of saying, "What is real? What is fact?" then... how does that make you feel?


Friends.
I spent an entire year in 'hiding,' or rather, 'hermit mode.'
I didn't want to open up to anyone. I didn't trust anyone. I was very closed-lipped about a lot of things because it was how I reacted to the unknown, the uncertain.... my own deep-seated insecurities.

And yes--I am fine now.
But if I could do it over again--or rather, if I ever walk through a valley that deep again, trust me, I would do things differently this time around.

Find a mentor to confide in. Someone who isn't there to encourage your neurotic notions and emotions. Someone who isn't afraid to KEEP IT REAL (KIR). Someone who is a sound Christian and will give you advice that is grounded and rooted in God's word. Someone trustworthy. Someone who isn't a malicious gossip (oooh, hot topic, I will get to that in another post). Someone who won't judge. Oh! Here's a good one: Someone who is another woman!! Don't be shady, just saying.

(However, I have had meetings with Chaplains. I would try seeking counsel as well, people often use counseling as a last resort, but--pre-emptive attacks are way cooler and you keep the cards in your hand, you know?) I would always choose a Chaplain over a psychologist, because I have sat in psychologists' offices and thought, "You are spinning some crazy advice right now. I'm gonna pray for you." HAHA!)

I am the first say say... I need to follow my own advice. Yes, it's hard. It's intimidating. But it will help.




Where the heck was I going with all this?

Oh. That's right.

Philippians 4:4-9, my mantra for life. Read each verse and really meditate on what it means and how you are going to apply it!


4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

The word that wives hate to hear

1 Peter 3:1-7

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

There it is. The word that wives hate to hear: submit. Trust me when I say this--I am no expert at being a wife. Haha. I think I do well... but I am waiting to be called a "virtuous wife."

I feel like this conversation has come up time and time again & I've heard a lot of the same thing, "If my husband loved me the way Christ loves the Church, it would be easier to submit to him." When we read Ephesians 5, it isn't a condition. "Wives be subject to your own husbands..." (not) "...if he loves you as Christ loves the church." It just is. We are called to do so. Commanded to do so.

There are times when I totally fail at the whole listening thing. I blow off requests DJ makes. I weigh those requests... what is acceptable to me? What would I rather do? What's easiest to swallow? I make a lot of excuses for my I decide to follow him one day and not another.

Then I had this thought... if I want DJ to be the head of this household. If I want him to lead me. If I want him to reflect the way Jesus loves the Church, then I have to let him. In the requests that seem petty, small, unimportant... if I can't allow him to lead me in those requests, how can I expect him to lead me in the bigger picture? Not because he isn't capable, but because I don't let him?


I want to be led.
I want to completely trust my husband.
I want him to speak for me.
(Because... let's face it ladies, when DJ and I stand before Jesus, he will give an account for me. He is responsible for me. And that. Feels. Like. Freedom-but more on that in a later post.)

&& How can I make such bold statements when I fail to want the small things? I want my husband to protect me. I want him to worry about me. I want him to cherish me. && When he does those things (in whatever ways he does), I should simply... rejoice.

Philippians 4:4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Father God help me to be the woman You have always intended me to be. Continue to seek after me, because I know your commands, I know your promises. Help me to love like You do, see the way You see, and serve the way Your Son served. Thank you for your forgiveness, compassion, and example. Bless this marriage. Give strength to the women who struggle to surrender it all to You and trust. In your Son's name I pray. Amen.

Mr&Mrs Lebron

Two weeks into our 'relationship' DJ's brother, Manny, asked us, "What are your intentions for each other?" Two weeks in, I looked at him and wondered, "Seriously?" It probably showed on my face cause he went on to say, "I know you guys don't want to label it or whatever, but it's good to know what your intentions are because it lays out the boundaries in your relationship." We didn't answer him, we just looked at him. Haha.

A week after that, I asked DJ on the phone, "So, what are your intentions?" (If I ever turn our lives into a movie, this line is definitely in it.) He answered, "I want to be your first love and your last love. Whether that means right now till forever, or right now, and later in life, we end up together. Either way, I'm yours and you are mine."

GOOD one, right!?

So in three weeks, our intentions were to end up together, whatever that meant. (Probably less than that. We were at a marriage retreat and the chaplain asked, "How many of you, when you met your wife, knew, just knew without a doubt, that she would be your wife?" DJ and the chaplain were the only ones that rose their hand.)

I thought about it all and I was--very realistic--two teenagers in "love" and want to be together "forever." YEAH, right!! Haha, sucker!! You're crazy. (I think the thoughts went something like that...haha.)

But I wanted to be a good girlfriend, a great girlfriend. I went to Barnes and Noble, looking for a good Christian Dating book. I reached for things like Boundaries in Dating, Boy Meets Girl, etc, but you know what I eneded up buying?? The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace. Haha.

My logic was...
WHAT IS THE BEST KIND OF GIRLFRIEND!?
A WIFE!!

So I read the book. I would reccommend this book to ALL engaged ladies. Actually to ALL ladies!! Everyone!! If you ever want to get married, if you are already are married, just pick it up! It is a great book. It taught me so much about selfless love, biblical living, and submission, uh-oh, I said it... submission to GOD. My relationship with God grew so much as I learned what it was to be a biblical wife.

I've read a lot of marriage books. A lot. Why? I don't know... because I want to be a know-it-all, or I am just interested in the relationship. I am marriage's biggest cheerleader. I absolutely love it when people get married, I love it when they celebrate anniversaries, and my heart breaks, totally crushing, when marriages fall apart. And with all the marriage books that I've read, all the bits and pieces of wisdom that I have picked up have only prepared me, given me a taste of what marriage is ACTUALLY like.

Living this life with this man in this marriage is... a refining fire.

Yes. I said it. I called my marriage a fire. Not a pretty garden, not a summer's night stroll on the beach, not pretty roses and chocolates. This marriage has been a refining fire, it has been iron sharpening iron, it has been filled with brokenness, humiliating circumstances, anger, forgiveness, passion, weakness, adoration, failures, love, disciplining, triumphant victory.

Marriage is hard.
Marriage is trying.
Marriage takes so, so, so much trust in God.

Even in the worse situations, the only, simple, overbearing fact that God is good and He loves me, has been enough to conquer my fears and insecurities. And because He loves DJ, I can forgive. I can serve. I can submit. I can rejoice. Because He is in control, I can let go. Because He is sovereign, I can accept. Because He is faithful, I have hope.

God is the only sure thing in marriage. It's the only sure thing in life. It is the only constant.

In those amazing days where all is right in the world--God is good, He is in control, He is sovereign, and He is faithful.
In those days marked with suffering and pain--God is good, He is in control, He is soverign, and He is faithful.

In my first year of marriage, I picked up Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage. I read the first two chapters and stopped reading it, because as a Newlywed, here was a man that was talking about how some days... I will hate my husband. And some days he won't be able to stand me. I thought, "What is this madness! This isn't a marraige book!"

In Year Four of marriage, I picked up the book again.
And I understood it.

In my humanity, in my flesh, in my sin, I am not a loving person. I am flawed. I am angry. I have trust issues. I am selfish. It is only with the power of the Holy Spirit that I see that marriage includes the entire spectrum of emotion and in this refining fire, I am being taught, DJ is being taught to be a servant in God's kingdom. We are living out the relationship that God intends us to have with Him.

So we fail, we falter, we stumble--and God is good, He is incontrol, He is soverign, and He is faithful, and He holds our hand, He strengthens our weak knees and sets us back up on the path He's laid down for us.

I love this Man and the man that He made for me. I thank my God every single day for the opportunity to love and serve. I thank God for DJ and this marriage and all it has taught me, molded me, transformed my viewpoints.


And what I want to tell all you wives today is this:

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
(1 Peter 4:8)

Love each other deeply. Earnesetly. Fervently. And that will cover, overshadow, conquer everything else. :)

God bless you all.



EDIT | Book Reccomendations

Love and Respect
Sacred Marriage
The Excellent Wife
Sacred Influence
Champagne for the Soul
The Power of a Praying Wife
For Women Only

Let's overanalyze everything, shall we?

So, if you know me personally you know how much I LOVE the Twilight books. It took a while for me to even admit that I wanted to read them, and when I did... I couldn't stop. And then I read them over. And over. And over again. I picked up Twilight, or Breaking Dawn every time DJ left for training, and then deployment, anytime I was alone. (I promise, I am better now. Although, I am currently skimming through Eclipse. I never touch New Moon, that book is infuriating.)

ALL THIS TO SAY: The past two days have been such a battle for me. I am going to participate in a book club with PWOC, the Women's Ministry on post and we are reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurities. I started reading the book on Tuesday afternoon. It was like four pages in and I put the book down. I tried to pick it up again Tuesday evening. And read another page and a half. Then put it down and picked up Eclipse.

Don't laugh.
This is about to get serious, I promise. But before we get in to the heavy, here's a picture to lighten the mood.


(I really love this photo shoot with Vanity Fair. And... it was an excuse to go find a Twilight picture to stick in my blog.)

This aversion to Beth Moore isn't because I favor Twilight over self-improvement, but I am pretty sure I have some deep seated issues and insecurities. Which, to most people will sound crazy. Because they see me out and about, they'll call me confident and outspoken, but there is definitely something, I have an idea where it comes from, but I don't know why... but I think I've been trying to avoid Beth Moore because I don't want to know how much I suck. Or, even if I already know that, it really is scary to take an objective look at yourself and be asked, "Are you willing to change?"

When DJ called I told him about this book and that I was nervous about reading it and going to a book club with other women to discuss it. He simply said, "Why? Cause you are afraid of changing?"

It caught me off guard. In the first chapter, Moore calls it a blessing and a curse that her husband is so honest. I totally relate to that. DJ is honest. Brutally honest. No sugar coating what so ever. He'll just tell it as it is. Sometimes I can appreciate this, most of these times are when they are about anything else but me.

So I have about an hour before I get picked up for this book club. I should really bunker down and read the next two chapters. So far, it is pretty introductory. Defining insecurity--let me tell you this, I was not surprised by any of the things she says, I actually really relate to them.

I am starting this journey today and I hope that you will join with me. What is it in your life that you are running away from? Why? What will it take for you to confront it?

I will keep you posted. :)



PS. You wanna know how I got down to opening the book and reading it?
Playing the Twilight and New Moon Score in the background. Haha! Compromise.

AND! You know what else I realized? Why I pick up a Twilight book when DJ leaves? It's a love story. And when the hubby is gone, or when I just feel like I want to be loved some more, I read Twilight because I get to relive a romance. There are times when I really, really, want a baby, or just straight up feel lonely, then I pick up Breaking Dawn. It sounds ridiculous, but hey! It works for the most part. (And I am pretty proud of myself for admitting this to all of you.)

What was interesting about Eclipse and why it is here, now, as I try to read So Long Insecurities, is that I relate to Bella in the sense that she is always asking Edward about why he is with her. It seems unbalanced to her and she needs him to assure her (and he does) of his love for her and acknowledges her insecurities, calls her silly and oversensitive, but also provides this reassurance that she is everything, and he loves her.

Oh, Edward. Haha.
So, I think it's great supplemental reading. Or... that is what I'll tell myself.